June 28, 2107
Today I became angry, again, about something insignificant that occurred at the camp. I was right, I suppose, to be unhappy with what happened, but what made me a sick to my stomach was how I allowed the actions of others to set me off and how my anger was expressed (facially and verbally). This has happened two times now this summer and each time I get angry, I feel sicker and sicker because of it.
It’s not a matter of what annoys me, but rather of how I allow that irritation to take control of my emotions and my mouth! Whereas I realize that there is a time for anger and perhaps even an outburst of wrath, my anger always seems to be out of place once I walk away from the setting.
I hope that the sick feeling I get when I become incensed is happening because of the process of me becoming more like Him (Jesus) and there simply being no place for the “old” me—-the one that would get angry and say unkind things, etc. But as I struggle with my disgust with myself for the way I lose my temper, I realize that I frankly I am powerless to not get angry. At this point in my spiritual pilgrimage the only thing I can do when someone does something wrong and I get angry is get out of the setting, breathe, hold my tongue, and ask God to help me!
On days like this I realize how very far I still have to travel. The thing I want to be, I am not— yet. And the things I don’t want to be, I am still am—presently. But praise be to God that I am more and more intolerant of what I know does not belong within me, even it still raises it’s ugly head from time to time.