I found peace today after I struggled with some things that were not going my way. No need to go into detail, after all, we all have things in our work, life and family that disappoint us. But I want to be “right” before God in both my petition and my “complaints”, so I prayed as I ay in bed at about 3:30 am this morning for peace for my soul and a return to the joy I so deeply want and experienced earlier. And after being totally honest (and why not be honest since He knows all things anyway?!) I believe that I came to understand the “why’s” I am not more full of joy a bit better.
First, I sensed that I should stop asking Him for the things that I think will make me happy and at peace, and instead I ask Him, without naming anything, to give me the real things that He knows that I want as well as the things I need.
But then, a small voice reminded me to ask for His help….i.e. to help me to want the same things that HE wants me..to want. That changed the whole dynamic of the prayer and my focus. My “wants” are often provided but I am still, most frequently, left with an empty feeling. “That’s it?”, I say to myself. After all the longing and striving to “get” something I really, really “want”, I am left some sort of having an: “I thought I really wanted that hangover”.
And so I am praying, even now as I write this, “Lord remove from my heart, mind and memory the things you do NOT want me to want! YOU and you alone know what I desire deep inside my soul. When you knit me together in my mother’s womb you established a desire deep within my heart for those holy and perfect things that reflect You. Remove the plaque and calculus that has hardened my heart and change my heart for You”.
My prayer is that He will help me let go of wanting the wrong things and give me an unsatiable thirst and hunger for the things He WANTS me to want. I cannot imagine that God will not answer this prayer over time. And the older I get, the more weary I am of looking for satisfaction in the temporal or illusionary things the world has to offer.
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